Six.

"T'were Scumblefuck what brought me down, yuhonuh. He were promising wine and chocolates, yer, wine and chocolates down in the garden, by the trees by the river. He promised, yer, and when there weren't none he just larfed and larfed and he pinned me down and then m'lord Shi-Shi, he came outta the wood and he did me, yer, did me peculiar with hot irons and what, barbed spikes and such, he..."

"Peculiar, Tug?"

"Er, yer, yuhonah."

"I don't get the reference, Tug."

"M'backside, yuhonuh. M'hole, if ye know."

"Your shithole, Tug? Your anus?"

"Aye, yuhonuh, as you say."

"Ah." Your Honor smiled with sharp yellow teeth and waved her gavel. "Please, Tug, continue."

Tug shuddered, a gray blob of pudding overflowing the witness chair. I swear, a single goddamned teardrop rolled down his blubbery cheek.

"Aye, yer, and m'lord Shi-Shi did me with his red-hot irons and what, while Scumblefuck held me down and larfed and whispered in m'ear."

"Whispering is important, Tug. What did he say?" Your Honor planted her elbows on the bench and leaned in towards the witness chair. Something sexy about that, the robe falling away from her arms, thin wrists jangling with gold. Her bangs falling across one eye. More silver than gray, y'know, in that sheaf of hair. More sparkle than fade. Finely aged. Just hitting her stride. I sat back, arms cocked over the back of the bench, grinning. Whatever the Sheik had in his flask was hitting me pretty hard.

"I dunno what he said, yuhonuh. I's yelling then, m'lord Shi-Shi going to town on me peculiar, red-hot and what."

"So, really, Scumblefuck could've been telling you that you could leave whenever you wanted, right?" Your Honor smiled wide, bright red lips wet, glistening. I held out my hand for the flask.

"Errr." Tug looked around the court, tiny little red eyes scanning for I don't know what. Cue cards, maybe. Simple hand signs from his lawyer, perhaps, signaling his next statement. Something. Fucking Tug, five hundred pounds of fat and muscle, as timid as a sheep, tears on his cheeks. Jesus.

"Should we get him in here to testify?" Your Honor snapped her fingers at a baliff who ducked out the door and came back two seconds later, holding Scumblefuck by the collar of his tweed jacket. All three feet, fifty pounds of Scumblefuck cursing and spitting and holding up fists the size of peach pits. Tug screamed like a girl. Like a little girl. Like a little girl who's just seen a spider. Scumblefuck stared and pointed at that fuck fuck and let loose a stream of profanity that'd do George Carlin proud. The imps and angels and saints and embodied emotions in the courtroom began to giggle. The Sheik slapped the flask in my hand and I spun the cap off onto the floor.

Your Honor slammed down the gavel once, twice, three times. I tipped the flask and felt hot gold slip down my throat. The Sheik put out his hand and I passed it over. Scumblefuck kept cursing and Tug tried to push himself up over the back of the chair. The baliff holding Scumblefuck tried not to smile.

"SHUT UP!" Your Honor slammed down the gavel a few more times and the courtroom quited down, except for Scumblefuck, who just kept on with the fat cunt bitch rip yer fookin' tits off and shit on yer lungs and use yer nuts as ping-pong balls while ye fookin' watch until the baliff clapped a hand over his mouth.

"All right, Tug, you can go on." Your Honor reached down and patted the mound of his shoulder.

"Well, yer, yah, Scumblefuck, he pinned me while m'lord Shi-Shi, he did me peculiar."

"Yes, Tug, you said that already. What happened next?"

"Yer, yah, well, that was it. And I come her to tell yer." Tug smiled with the nubs of his sugar-rotted teeth, pleased with the neat conclusion to his tale.

"Oh. Hmm. Well, Tug, getting a red-hot poker in your butt, well, you'd think you'd need some medical attention, right?" The Sheik tipped the flask and I put my hand out for it.

"Yer, uh."

Your Honor leaned in close. "Look at me, Tug."

Tug spun his head, rolls of fat chasing each other out of the way. His nose came to rest an inch from Your Honor's. The Sheik slapped the flask into my hand.

Your Honor crooned. "Tug, sweetie, shouldn't you be dead right now?"

"Yer, yer, uh." He turned and looked down at the floor between his splayed toes.

Your Honor leaned in closer, her lips and inch from Tug's ear, her tongue flicking his loose gray skin. "I mean, m'lord Shi-Shi doesn't screw around. If he decided to sodomize you with red hot irons, Tug, honey," a throaty whisper that sent a shiver through the crowd, "he would've poked out your eyes from the back." I tilted the flask and swallowed deep.

Tug began to blubber, his shoulders shaking. "Yer, yah, yer right, yuhonuh." Your Honor reached down and patted his quivering neck. The way her robe molded itself to her breasts as she stretched, I got this feeling she was nude beneath. The Sheik held out his hand and I tilted the flask again.

"So, Tug, sweetie," she slid her hand under a number of his chins and pulled his face back to hers, "I think you're telling me a lie, and for that lie, I think you need to be punished."

"Oh NO, NO, NO!" Tug pretended to try and pull away while Your Honor's strong fingers sank into his cheeks. His hands splintered the arms of the witness chair, his kicking feet put holes through the wood of the witness stand. Scumblefuck gyrated around and screamed past the baliff's hand, i hope she arsefoocks ye with a stallion's cock ye fookin' great lump of babyfat..

Your Honor crooked one finger at a free baliff and he swaggered on over, thumbs in his belt, grinning, head cocked to one side, cock o' the walk. The Sheik flapped his hand at me and I took another pull off the flask. Your Honor leaned over the bench to whisper into the baliff's ear and the entire courtroom audience sat forward in the benches, trying to get a look at her cleavage. The baliff grinned and nodded.

Your Honor sat back and banged the gavel once or twice and cleared her throat. I thought about passing the flask back to the Sheik and took another drink.

"Okay, Tug, I think it's pretty clear that you've been lying to me, right?" Dripping honey, syrupy, so sweet it could have been a lover's coo in the middle of the night.

Tug, his head practically between his knees. "Ah, yer, yuhonuh."

"Tug, honey," she patted his warty head, "you can't lie in court. You know that, right?"

"Aye, yuhonuh."

"So, are you ready to be sentenced?"

Tug ducked his head low, trying to hide the smile that everyone saw. "Aye, yuhonuh, if I must."

Your Honor smiled, all lips and spit-slick teeth. "Then, Tug, I sentenced you to be whipped in the plaza in the middle of town until such a time as Big Tom here," she gestured to the swaggering baliff, who grinned so hard that he twinkled, "figures that you've learned your lesson."

"Is he going to make me get nekkid?"

"Yes, Tug, buckass nekkid for everyone to see."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Tug thrashed back and forth while Big Tom took him by the arm and led him out of the witness stand. Tug moaned and whined and kept walking faster until Big Tom was trotting to keep up by the time they got to the courtroom doors. Scumblefuck twisted loose and chased them down the hallway, screeching. The Sheik punched me in the shoulder and grabbed the flask. Your Honor banged the gavel again and everyone in the courtroom swiveled towards her.

"Okay, court's adjourned. Get the fuck out or I'll have the joint flooded with tear gas." She stood and every set of the eyes in the place scrabbled all over her, trying to focus on one particular swell under the gown, trying to imagine the shape of the flesh that shaped it. The Sheik took a deep pull on the flask and handed it back over. I took and drank, my eyes pinned to arcs of Your Honor's hips. She sauntered out of the courtroom, clicking away on black patent spike heels. Nobody spoke. Shit, nobody breathed. The Sheik put out his hand and I passed over the flask.

"You ready, man?"

I looked down, tried to see if my railspike was as obvious as it felt. The Sheik laughed. "C'mon, man, let's head down to the Promise." He tipped the flask. "Girls always like to see you after a day in Court."

(Inspired by red wine and The Pixies, so, shit, don't expect too much.)